CALL ME BELOVED

I’ve never forgotten, mom, never –
not once since you ripped the fabric
of my psyche, tore out want and need –
pruned from the pliable, young therapist
you were cultivating, as unwelcome as
my rambling my crying the fact I was
all the things your parents hated, so
it had to go. Your methods were subtle,
quality over quantity. When you struck
you never missed an artery; you’d wait
for the open wrist, for a naked throat –
that passenger seat was your throne,
the seat from which you collected all
that we owed you, all you were due, I
wonder if you knew how those words
hang like chains across my memories –

What memories are you carrying, now?
Which haunted you on your four-hour drive
back home; which house did you see?
Whose arms waited for you? I hope
the story in your head is a kind one,
kinder than the interrogations that had me
choking back my breath deeper down than
my secrets, how you could never know the
fullness of who Cameron could ever be – how
you stunned me silent when I was twelve, but
here’s my answer, mom – no. I can’t remember.
I’ve never had everything I’ve ever wanted, but
it’s because the human condition is to suffer,
because I’ll run this hedonic treadmill until my
knees finally buckle – because I am all need, I
crave touch like rats frantically press a cocaine lever;
fuck food, my body is nourished only when I’m held,
because you never even gave me the things I needed
let alone everything I ever wanted, the conditions
were explicit and strict and choked me out so fast I
never knew that I buried myself, all along, all I
remember is driving home in high school, mom –
telling you that I could marry anyone, because
I just had to mold myself in to what they need – really,
is that what a teenager should believe? So no, mom –
I can’t remember, just like I can’t imagine facing you
or even mouthing the single, starting syllable of a
single angry word because all I can fathom is how
much hollow love I still carry; the tidal weight of how
a child needs a mother, remember how I needed you,
remember just how much
I needed